


GOBSMACKED (Five Times Nott Gave the Shovel Talk)

by Mikkeneko



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5 Things, Caleb and a mystery guest, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Mama Nott, Nott looks out for her boy, Nott plz, Nott stop, Other, Shovel Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 14:44:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16662817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikkeneko/pseuds/Mikkeneko
Summary: She had to be on the lookout for heart-thieves who would toy with her boy's affections and then break his heart and make him cry afterwards.   Caleb wouldn't be looking out for himself because he was so very smart about so many things andso very dumbaboutfeelings.





	GOBSMACKED (Five Times Nott Gave the Shovel Talk)

**Author's Note:**

> A Story by Nott the Brave (no comma.)
> 
> This piece was written for laughs, so please don't take it as a dis of any one ship -- I like all of the ships discussed here, Nott just has her own shovel to grind.

 

Nott was a goblin with a mission. 

To be perfectly honest she was a goblin with a number of missions at any given time some of which she held a little closer to the chest than others. But one mission she was _always_ on the lookout for was to watch out for her boy. 

Not only for obvious things like bandits and crownsguards and _other_ goblins and crocodiles and giant birds oh no. He was pretty good nowadays at keeping a wary eye out for all of those things and every day he got better and better at defending himself. And with the others around all the time she didn't have to worry so much about making sure that he got enough to eat and that he wrapped up in the cold and didn't get sick and just ignore it _again_. But there were a lot of other dangers out there that her poor boy didn't even see coming because that was how oblivious he could be sometimes. And where Caleb didn't know to guard himself that was the flank that Nott would be watching out for. 

She was going to make sure that Caleb didn't get his heart broken. 

The problem as Nott saw it was that Caleb was _such_  a catch. He was smarter than anybody else Nott knew and he was _so_   good with magic and he knew so many things and he was getting stronger and stronger every day. And handsome! Very very handsome! (Honestly Nott had no idea what sorts of factors went into making Big People attractive to each other but she _had every confidence_   that Caleb was all of them.) Definitely very handsome. Anyone would want him. 

Anyone _did._   And that was what had Nott on the prowl. She had to be on the lookout for heart-thieves who would toy with her boy's affections and then break his heart and make him cry afterwards. 

Mollymauk! Always flirting all the time and always so sure that he could get whatever he wanted out of people but never serious and never committed. She'd seen him sizing up Caleb from behind oh yes. And Fjord! That night in the High Richter's manor when they'd had that stand-off and Fjord had pulled his _sword_   out on her boy and it had all been very tense and upsetting. That was like a _dominance display_ right? Something that Big People did in order to determine whether the other was a strong enough mate? She didn't know a lot about how the Big People courted but she was pretty sure that was right. 

Yasha! She was huge and terrifying and probably a Xhorhasian spy out to kill them but really that was just a set-up for a star-crossed romance wasn't it? The Xhorhosian assassin and the Empire agent? That's how it had been in _The Courting Of the Crick_   at any rate. You could never be too safe. And Jester! She made all those comments about how bad Caleb smelled but the important thing was that that meant _she was paying attention to his personal scent._ To say nothing of that one time she had _kissed_   him and yes okay there had been mouth-to-mouth but it was still _a kiss._ Definitely absolutely Big People Courting Stuff right there. 

So there were a lot of dangers at every turn really. They were all good people and she liked them but when it came to Caleb's well-being she would have no quarter. That's just the way it had to be. Because Caleb wouldn't be looking out for himself because he was so very smart about so many things and _so very dumb_   about _feelings._

She would just have to make sure that they all knew better than to mess with Nott's boy. 

 

* * *

 

She cornered Mollymauk first because of everybody on the team he was the biggest threat. He was the loudest and boldest and gaudiest and nicest of the lot of them and if Caleb would lose his foolish heart to anyone it would probably be the first person to bat his pretty purple eyelashes at him. 

She caught him upstairs in the room of their inn as he was getting ready to go out for the evening. His clothes were always loud and fancy but tonight they were fancier than ever and there was _makeup_ involved so clearly Molly was up to something. He looked a little annoyed when Nott appeared in the doorway and shut the door behind her with a loud click. 

"What's this about, Nott?" Molly said. His voice wasn't as friendly as it was with the others and his manner not as welcoming but he did make an effort to be nice to her at least and that was something. Something more than most people would do for a goblin to be honest. 

Nott knew that she and Molly didn't always see eye to eye. But that would only make this easier. "I wanted to warn you to keep your claws off my boy." 

"Oh, so we're having this talk." Molly sighed and ran his hand through his hair as he sat back. "Look… Nott. I see what you're trying to do here, and I respect you for it," he began. "But let me assure you, _assure you_   that I am not going to make a move on Caleb." 

Her immediate reaction was surprise tinged with disbelief -- and a little bit of offense. Did he think he was too good for her Caleb? "Why _not?_ You flirt all the time! You have fun wherever you want to. You love -- games. What's to stop you from deciding to play games with him?" 

Molly held up one clawed finger.  "In the first place, I don't fool around with coworkers," he said. "That was Orna's rule back at the Carnival and it was a good one. Because in a situation like this, where we all rely on each other and the team is so important, any kind of romantic fallout could be a disaster. Even if the romance didn't go sour, the kind of faults and stresses it puts on a group just wouldn't work out well in the long run. A team can't work well together if everyone is always wondering whether you're going to make them a low priority compared to your lover." 

A second finger joined the first. "In the _second_ place, Caleb's not…" Molly trailed off and shook his head. "Look. I like him a lot, I have a lot of respect for him. He's probably the smartest man I know, and under all that grime and scruff he's hiding quite a good-looking face, and _Moonweaver knows_ he's hot when he's doing that fire thing --" 

Nott felt absolutely vindicated. "I _knew it!"_  

Molly ignored her outburst and kept talking. " -- and the fact that he has _you_   says nothing but good about him -- but at the end of the day, I look at Caleb and I can immediately tell that he's in no good place to be in a relationship with someone else right now. He's just got too much going on for that at the moment and I respect that." He looked her straight in the eye. "I may be a slut, but I'm an _ethical_   slut, and I don't take advantage of people who are emotionally vulnerable. People like Caleb. Unless he made the first move on me, I would not ever make a move on him." 

"Well…" Nott said grudgingly. "All right…"

"Does that satisfy you?" Molly's voice had just the hint of a sarcastic edge. 

"All right. For _now."_   Nott stressed 'for now.' After all Caleb was growing and getting better all the time. If Nott could see it then so could the rest of them and at any minute Molly might change his mind and decide that Caleb was 'in a good place' for him to swoop in and _seduce him._ "Just so's you know that if he ever _did_   make a move on you and the two of you got together and then you broke his heart I would come to you in the dead of night and take your coat." 

Molly smiled tolerantly. "Would you really?" he chuckled. 

Nott looked him dead in the eye. "You would never see that coat again.  You wouldn't in your _darkest dreams_   be able to _imagine_   the things I would do to that coat. You got me?" 

To her glee Molly went a shade paler and edged back from her. "Y-yes, I think I do." She saw him swallow surreptitiously. 

Nott was satisfied. 

 

* * *

 

When it came to Jester she approached the talk a little more casually because she still _liked_   Jester (even if she didn't necessarily trust Jester with Caleb's heart.) Jester was very easy to like. She even liked Nott! And she liked to take her shopping or to spas or have sleepovers with pillow fights and hair-braiding chains that Yasha sometimes joined in on and Beau never did.

So it wasn't too difficult during one Girls' Night when they were holed up in the inn room together and Beau was downstairs drinking to bring up the subject. "Jester you like guys right?" she asked oh-so-casually. "I mean you find guys… attractive right?" 

Jester grinned. "Oh, sure!" she said. "I mean, not all guys ever, right? But there are a lot of really hot guys out there, and sometimes it's fun just to go people-watching out on the street and rate them with your friends!"

Nott tried to play it cool. "What do you think of Caleb? Do you think _he's_ hot?" 

Jester put her chin on her hand as she considered the question. "Hmm, well, maybe?" she said. "As long as he gets cleaned up first. He has lovely eyes, and his hair is a pretty color. When it's clean, anyway. Maybe six out of ten?" 

Nott felt equally torn between the urge to argue Jester up to a higher number in Caleb's defense and the desire not to encourage any undue interest in Caleb. She forged onwards. "But do you think that _you_   would want to date Caleb?" she tried. 

"Oh, noo!" Jester cried. Nott would have been offended on her boy's behalf if Jester hadn't said it with such comic melodrama. "Caleb's cute but he's not my _type._   All puny and skinny and bony. I like my boys to be…" She sighed and clasped her hands under her chin. "Big and buff. And _manly._ " 

"With… tusks?" Nott asked hesitantly. 

Jester nodded enthusiastically and gave another dewy sigh. "And _green._   Don't worry, Nott! I like Caleb lots and lots and I'm glad he's my friend, but you don't ever have to worry about _me_   breaking his heart. I'd worry more about Beau if I were you, at least if she wasn't a complete and absolute lesbian." 

Was she? Nott hadn't realized that. She also hadn't realized that her intentions were quite so transparent. Jester was awfully perceptive sometimes. "Okay. I'll accept that from you because I trust you." 

Jester gave her a sly grin that immediately put her on edge and made her fingers itch for a drink. "Although if I did, I'm just saying, if I _did_   want to seduce him I could _totally_   do it. I mean it wouldn't even be a challenge. The Ruby of the Sea didn't raise no slouch for a daughter!" 

"No way!" Nott bristled. Jester laughed brightly and Nott knew she had just been Scored On. She searched for a way to properly counter the threat. "If you ever break my boy Caleb's heart I'll… I'll…" The idea occurred in a flash of inspiration. "I'll go into every bakery we ever pass along the way at night before you can get into it. And I'll _lick every single pastry."_  

Jester stopped laughing and sat bolt upright. "Nooooo!" she cried before subsiding into a pout. "Fine. You've made your point! But that's _mean."_  

Nott smiled to herself. Another danger averted.

 

* * *

 

Confronting Yasha was going to be tough. Yasha was scary. Really scary. So scary that Nott had to get good and drunk just to work up the nerve to do it. 

So good and so drunk in fact that she woke up the next day with an itching headache and little to no memory of the night before. She had planned to corner Yasha by the side of the road during her watch shift but she couldn't remember actually _doing_   it. Something about moonlight on a greatsword? She didn't have Caleb's memory that was for sure.

But when she looked in her pack she found a piece of paper covered with her own handwriting and Yasha's name. The page was a riot of arrow diagrams and some stick things that might be swords? Maybe daggers? What looked like a big pit with some teeth? And in the margins in big block letters it just read BEES? BEES FOREVER? 

So maybe she had talked to Yasha the night before anyway. She spent much of the morning hiding under the cart just in case Yasha decided to kill her for it after the fact. But when she finally slunk out to the smells of breakfast and saw Yasha sitting on the far side of the campsite the big woman just looked at her and raised her mug in a silent respectful salute. Apparently whatever she'd said had impressed her. 

She just wished she remembered _what_. 

 

* * *

 

She caught Fjord alone when everyone else was out shopping. He had a needle and sinew in hand and was doing repairs to his belt which Nott could respect but priorities were priorities. As she dithered just out of his line of sight she took out her flask and took a swig -- this wouldn't take as much bravery as Yasha but she could still use the boost. 

Fjord sighed. "All right, Nott, come out," he said. 

She came out slowly and warily. "How did you guess it was me?" she asked. 

Fjord shrugged. "Smelled a whiff of alcohol where there was no reason to be any," he said. "What's up?" 

Nott swallowed the last traces of whiskey and came over and planted herself in front of Fjord with her arms crossed. "I'm here to tell you to keep your hands -- and tusks and whatever else -- off my boy." 

Fjord frowned. "This about what happened in the High Richter's house? Look, I maybe reacted a bit harsher than the situation at hand called for, but -- " 

"It's not about that. I'm over that." Nott rolled her eyes. 

Fjord looked confused. "What is it about, then?" he asked. 

Nott hissed slightly. "I want to know what _your intentions_   are towards Caleb!" 

Fjord sighed. "Look, I'm not really here to… get involved in courtin' games," he said in his usual slow drawl. "Right now I've got a lot goin' on in my life that wouldn't really fit with a romance. I'm not looking to fall in love, I just want to have some adventures, make a bit of coin, learn some new things along the way --" 

"Oh you say that now!" Impatiently she interrupted his excuses. "But I've researched all about orcs. I know. Once Orc Mating Season starts it will be a whole other ball game!" 

"Orc mating seas --" Fjord cut himself off with a headshake of disbelief. "Nott, what are you talkin' about?" 

Nott pointed an accusing finger at his face. "Maybe you aren't feeling it _now_   but once the hormones overwhelm you you'll feel it. You'll feel the urges. You'll be on the lookout for a _MATE_ and Caleb will be the most eligible mate around!" 

"What," Fjord said.

"You might battle your instincts for a while but the mating rituals of your ancestors will always win out in the end." 

 _"No,_ " Fjord said. 

Nott went on. "It will culminate in a struggle for dominance with your chosen lover -- " 

"Nott, was your 'research' by any chance reading Jester's smutty books?" Fjord interrupted. 

She ignored his rude interruption. "The battle will be fierce -- your blood will be running hot! -- but in the end you will be victorious. Then once you've overpowered him you'll carry him off to your lair swooning in your arms and proceed to apply your Mark --" 

 _"Please_   stop," Fjord begged her. 

Nott continued. "And once his neck bears the mark of your teeth you'll feel the savage urges subside and passion will rise in its place and you'll --" 

Fjord's head was completely buried in his hands and his voice was muffled by the splay of his fingers. She'd never reduced a grown warrior to tears with only her words before and she had to admit it was a rush. "Nott, I swear on every god that sailors have ever prayed to that I will not so much as set a finger on or _breathe near_   your wizard for _as long as I live_  just so long as you _stop talking now."_

Nott grinned to herself. Mission accomplished. "I'll hold you to that." She regarded the quivering Fjord-puddle with satisfaction and then bent down to speak low in his ear. "Because if you hurt him -- if you ever draw your sword on him again for _whatever_   reason -- I'll make it so that you'll never need to file your tusks down again. Ever. Get me?" 

"Loud and clear," Fjord moaned faintly.

 

* * *

 

She caught Beau alone at breakfast with a mouth full of bacon. As soon as Beau saw her she groaned through her mouthful and began chewing twice as fast. Before Nott could say a word she swallowed her half chewed bacon and said "Fuck, Nott, you know I'm a complete and absolute lesbian, right?" 

Nott snorted. "I know that." 

Beau sat up and squinted at her. "You do?" 

"I'm not _dumb."_ Nott rolled her eyes. "I'm not worried about him falling in love with you or you seducing him. Honestly just the thought is a little absurd." 

"Hey… I _could,_   if I wanted to," Beau objected, sitting up a little straighter and puffing out her chest. "I'm just sayin'." 

Nott was skeptical. "Really? I've seen the way you try to flirt with Yasha." 

"Hey!" 

Nott waved away the objection. "Anyway I'm not worried about _that_ with you." 

"What, then?" Beau asked. 

Nott hunched over a bit and stared at the outline of her feet against the ground. At last she spoke. "You're an Empire kid… like him. Nobody else in the group really understands what that means. Not even me!" Her frown deepened. It hurt a little to think that there were things that Caleb would trust with the others but not with her. At the same time though it made her a little proud to think of him growing close enough to other people to connect with them. 

"He's trusted you with parts of himself that he never even told me because he sees something of himself in you." Nott pinned Beau with a stern glower. "And I'm here to tell you that if you break that trust I _will_ find a way to repay you tenfold. You better treat him nice. And if that means you have to learn what niceness means first then you'd better get to learning." 

Beau let out an extended groan as she flopped back down at her place in front of the fire. "Look, Nott, Caleb's not so bad for a freakish bookworm reject like he is," she said. "I've got no beef with him and I'm sure not going to go out of my way to dunk on him. But I've got my own things going on, okay? I've got my own problems and I'm not going to make babysitting his tender feelings my top priority. If he gets hurt, it's _his_ problem, not mine." 

"Not _only_   his problem _._ " Nott increased the intensity of her frown. "Because if he trusts you and you hurt him…" She trailed off. 

Beau snorted. "Then what? You'll kick my ass? You could try. You're an okay scrapper, but you've got nothing on me." 

It was a cocky boast but Nott had to admit that Beau was probably right. In a straight up one-on-one fight Beau would almost certainly win. But that didn't mean she didn't have other tricks up her sleeve.  
  
She stared at Beau until the girl began to fidget. She knew her lamplike yellow eyes had that effect on Big People. Just as Beau was beginning to scowl and fidget and move to say something -- 

 _Click._  

Beau frowned and started. "What?" she asked. _Click… click._ "What? What the hell is that noise?!" 

Nott smiled a wide toothy smile. "That noise is going to be what follows you for the rest of your life if you cross me. Every time you eat… _click… click_ from under your ear. Everywhere you go in every step you take… _click… click._ Every time you try to sleep… _click… click… click."_  

"Fuck! Okay, okay, shit!" Beau shouted. She flung herself back down on her bedroll and pulled the edge of her haversack over her head to block out the sight and sound of Nott. "Fine, I'll be _nice_ to your fucking headcase wizard!" 

Nott smiled smugly. "I'm glad we had this talk."

 

* * *

 

(and one time she didn't get there first) 

They reached the town of Hupperdook with plenty of light left in the day. As the rest of the group made arrangements to split up and each go shopping in their own inimitable way Caleb excused himself. Nott would have thought he'd want to go with Beau and Jester to the bookstore but apparently something was more pressing. More pressing than a bookstore?  _Caleb?_  

The thought filled her with enough curiosity that she decided to skip out on housewares shopping with Molly (so many buttons! skinny little needles and pins with beautiful pearl heads!  _silverware!)_ and decided to tag along with him instead. He gave her a small smile as they peeled off from the group ("Just you and me, like the old days, ja?") but did not otherwise offer an explanation. 

Nott's puzzlement grew as they made their way to the town's post office. The guard posted outside the door eyed them with disfavor but enough people of all sizes and shapes and states of disrepair were bustling in and out of the building that he didn't really have grounds to exclude them. Once inside Caleb managed to sidle past the line to get to a teller and asked if there was a package waiting in his name.  

There was! Nott wasn't expecting that. Jester got packages from her mom sometimes but Nott knew that Caleb didn't have a mother any more. Who could be sending him packages? 

As Nott watched Caleb cut open the package and fished around inside. He pulled out a sheet of paper covered in curly handwriting in purple ink and flipped it open to read. As he read it his expression softened and a smile touched his lips as his cheeks darkened slightly. 

Oh Nott did not like that expression at all. Well she did like it but she didn't like what it  _meant._   She pulled out her flask and took a nervous drink before she sidled up to Caleb to try to crane around his elbow and read the note. "Caleb?" she drew out the name. "What'd you get?" 

"It is my latest consignment of rare titles from Zadash," Caleb said absently as he continued to read down the letter. He flipped a page and Nott saw that the letter went on for several sheets. The blush and fond expression deepened. 

Nott took a deep breath. "Someone's sending you rare books? Do you have a  _secret admirer_   Caleb?" she wheedled. 

He looked up at her and smiled. "Not so secret," he said. "It is from Pumat. We spent some time... getting to know each other when last I was in Zadash, and when he found out that I would be spending so much time on the road, he offered to keep me up to date." Caleb hugged the package to his chest and sighed deeply. 

Nott was astounded. Pumat? Pumat Sol? The firbolg shopkeeper of the Invulnerable Vagrant?  _He_   was the one sending gifts and sappy letters that put a smile on her boy's face and a blush in his cheeks?  

"You... like Pumat Sol then?" Nott ventured. "I mean no offense Caleb but you don't... exactly make friends very easily..." 

"Ja, well, Pumat is not like most people," Caleb explained as the blush spread from his cheeks across his nose. "It is rare that I have met a person who is so... grounded. And so kind. The world is brighter for kindness like his. When we had to leave Zadash I gave him one of my transmuter's stones so that he could track our progress and send books ahead to our next destination. I would like to see him again but..." Another hug of the package and another sigh.  

"Yes but..." Nott said slowly as her thoughts raced to keep up. "But do you  _like_   like him?" 

Caleb didn't answer for a long time which was pretty telling in itself since most of the time the answer would have been a swift and firm  _no._   "He is... very tall," Caleb admitted after a long minute. "And, um, soft. Warm. And he knows  _so_   many books." 

"Oh." How in the world had Nott missed an attack from this front? It might be weeks -- months! -- before they got back to Zadash. On one hand at least that meant that Pumat Sol wouldn't have the chance to do anything before then that might break Caleb's heart. On the other hand that meant that she wouldn't be able to give him  _the talk._  

Or maybe she could. There was still the matter of Pumat Sol's connections with the Cerberus Assembly to consider after all. "You know what Caleb?" she said. "Why don't you give me the return address from that package. _"_

She had some letters to write. And maybe a package or two to send to Zadash if the letter by itself didn't get the message across. Would the Dwendalian Postal Service be willing to ship a bloody knife? Or maybe a shovel would work out just the same. 

Nott was a goblin with a new mission.

 

 ~end.

**Author's Note:**

> Caleb likes the big soft boys, oh yes. Honestly I'd have ended by pairing him off with Caduceus except that I couldn't think of a way to have Molly and Cad in the party at the same time.


End file.
